Loneliness

Isaiah 41:10 ~ Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Feeling like one is alone has been a recurring theme in my life. Perception is reality and in that sense, feeling alone is something that I’ve felt many times in my life. I find that I have little confidence in anyone who says they will be there except for one who has always been there in the many moments in my life of feeling alone and broken.

Somewhere between September of 1974 and April of 1975 I felt alone. I had just been born and found myself left at an orphanage. While infantile memory won’t let me access whether I was a foundling left at an orphanage to be discovered by staff or if I was handed off in a transaction to a staff member, what I do know was that I felt alone. I would be subsequently airlifted out of a war zone and find myself alone for the next few months as I was hospitalized – and told later I was believed to have a 10% chance of living.  This would be the first time but not the last that I felt alone as far as family was concerned.

Around 14 or so my adoptive parents divorced. I didn’t understand at the time just how alone that can make one feel. My sense of security, family, and safety all was torn away in a single instance. From then on out it was hard to believe people when they said they would be in my life because the very people who were to be in my life providing security, family, and safety had left. I was simply left feeling alone and broken but I continued on into what I would consider the greatest adventure of my life.

When I was around 25 I decided to gather a group of people to move from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania to New York City for a great adventure. We would meet at my home each night and make plans. One even came to New York City with me to see the life we were pursuing. One by one people dropped out – until moving day when it was just me. But despite feeling alone I boldly went forward it 6 years of New York City living before relocating to Nashville, Tennessee where I’d learn that being alone could be a very dark and frightening place.

In 2018 I was in the fight of my life for housing and never felt more alone. I had purchased a property and asked for help to prepare it for renovation; No one came. I had purchased extra coveralls, gloves, masks, and supplies. It was just me that day. I was very alone and frightened working under my home by myself. No one was there to see if something went wrong that could kill me. I cried out to God as I worked under my home. 4 people would have reduced the work to about 30 minutes, but with just me it was several hours. I just kept crying out to God. Only 1 person actually checked up on me via phone to make sure I was safe under my home. I had gone to the church for help and it wouldn’t be the last time I was alone despite being surrounded by the people of God on a Sunday morning.

In the end, I want to say that it’s okay to feel lonely. I have felt this way many times in my life. Perception is reality. If we feel lonely then we feel lonely. It doesn’t necessarily mean we are, but it means we feel that way.  I don’t think one needs to park there for long periods of time but I do believe it’s important to validate how one feels at the time – I believe it’s the first step of working through it. I wouldn’t be here but for the grace of God. Because no matter how lonely I’ve felt, he’s been with me – his word says so.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.