We are not Trauma Monsters: Children of Divorce

I hear it all the time. You experienced divorce. You have trust issues. You need healed. All that may be true but I also seem to be made to feel ‘less-than’ compared to intact families. I believe that comparison is a hurtful and flawed one. I have a different belieif.

But to children of divorce I say this: there is nothing wrong with us. What we missed out on isn’t a hidden pain that make us less-than. But sometimes it’s how they make us feel. They look down at us for so long that we begin to look down at ourselves. Trauma is not destiny, despite what we may have been taught. The fear we have of ourselves, it’s not our own. It was drilled into us. Divorce didn’t make us trauma monsters. We just have a capacity for actions, good or ill. Just like everyone else.

We are just different in some ways and, in many cases, the experience of parental divorce made us stronger. It gave us skills and abilities others don’t develop in later in life.

I believe while children of divorce experience trauma and can seek therapy and counseling for healing from the experience but it should not be at the cost of recognizing what was gained through the divorce experience:

• Conflict Management Skills
• Survival Skills
• Financial Skills
• Situational Awareness Skills
• Evaluation Skills

Many children of divorce feel forced into emotional adulthood early. Whether it’s 4 or 15, the people who were trusted to keep you safe, pledged in front of a church during baby dedication to keep you safe, or legally adopted you to keep you safe are no longer perceived as able to keep you safe or are failing in their duty to keep you safe. The world becomes an un-safe place and you spend years trying to get your arms around it and maintain control – and with it comes skills.

In a family, there are often two parents to serve as moderators during conflict. In a family of divorce there is often conflict with those who used to moderate – the parents. Children also face conflict in the outside world as they can become the subject of ridicule. Children of divorce learn early how to navigate conflict whether at school, home, or a job they had to take because sports and school activities were not options due to the financial fallout of the divorce. They handle other points of view faster. They have to deal with the adversity of the outside world much faster and sharper than others. Children of divorce – having conflict management skills – can often see conflict or friction not as something to be avoided but as the path towards a resolution.

Survival is perhaps the strongest skill children of divorce develop. The world ceases to be a safe place and whether it’s the lack of a parent to go to for comfort, aid, or finance or simply watching intact families vacation, party, and bond, the child of divorce has to develop coping mechanisms and survival skills sooner than most. There may be no one to turn to when needs aren’t met – no mother or father to ask for money from, support from, or otherwise fall back on reliably.  There may be no one to call to ask ‘how do you change a flat tire’ or ‘how do I bake a cake?’. Children of divorce learn things as they need to as they go along.

Financial realities are often very different for children of divorce. Due to changes in standard of living, many children of divorce may have to pay for more things themselves, contribute to household expenses, or develop empathy for providing for others much sooner than children from more financially stable homes. This early handling of money can develop financial skills. Sometimes these behaviors are talked down as a ‘poverty mentality’ or ‘spirit of poverty,’ but adaptation to instability can also create strengths.

When every place isn’t safe, a child of divorce can become situationally aware faster. They can become aware of their surroundings, sensitive to things that don’t add up around them, and become problem solvers in the process. They may become highly observant and alert to inconsistencies or potential danger.

Evaluation skills are hard to describe but it’s a re-framing of ‘trust issues’. Children from stable family systems may approach trust differently. What isn’t always recognized is that some people from intact families may not develop the same level of caution or evaluation in relationships. Children of divorce tend to evaluate relationships. Trust is not the default for them – it must be earned – and in that evaluation, loss can be prevented and any sensitivities to things that don’t add up can also be evaluated.

Children of divorce are strong. I believe they have a strength many others don’t have. Children of intact families have a strength that comes from love, trust, unity, care, financial security and safety while I believe children of divorce have strengths that come from independence, careful evaluation, survival, and monetary insecurity. I believe it’s a mistake to look down upon them. I believe their learned skills should be recognized as strengths as they journey through life.